A Lawyer's life is never easy
Posted on 11:29am Friday 2nd Jul 2010
Bradshaw v. Unity Marine Corp. 147 F. Supp.2d 668 , 670 (S.D. Texas 2001)
The Court in a written ruling stated as follows:
" Defendant begins the decent into Alice's Wonderland by submitting a Motion that relies upon only one legal authority ... Plaintiff responds to this deft, yet minimalist analytical wizardry with an equally gossamer wisp of an argument, ... naturally Plaintiff also neglects to provide any analysis whatsoever ... instead, Plaintiff "cites" to a single case from the Fourth Circuit."
" Plaintiff's citation, however, points to a nonexistent Volume " 1886 " of the Federal Reporter ... and neglects to provide a pinpoint citation for what, after being located, turned out to be a forty - page decision. ( What the ... ) ?!"
" The Court cannot even begin to comprehend why this case was selected for reference. It is almost as if Plaintiff's counsel chose the option by throwing long range darts at the Federal Reporter ( remarkably enough hitting a nonexistent volume!) ... Despite the continuing shortcomings of Plaintiff's supplemental submission, the Court commends Plaintiff for his vastly improved choice of crayon... Brick Red is much easier on the eyes than Goldenrod, and stands out much better amidst the mustard splotched about Plaintiff's briefing ... "
" It is well known around these parts that [ Plaintiff's ] lawyer is equally likable and has been writing crisply in ink since the second grade. Some old timers even spin yarns of an ability to type. The Court cannot speak to the veracity of such loose talk, but out of an abundance of caution, the Court suggests that Plaintiff's lovable counsel has best upgrade to a nice shiny No. 2 pencil or at least sharpen what's left of the stubs of his crayons for what remains of this - heart stopping, spine - tingling action ...In either case, the Court cautions Plaintiff's counsel not to run with a sharpened writing utensil in hand ... he could put his eye out. " Defendant's Motion for Summary Judgment was Granted. Case dismissed.